Christmas Shows in Kerala...(no no..its not such a bad read..really)

The family had decided to spend Christmas in the farmhouse in Kerala, and the thing about farmhouses is that its pretty hard to get your hands on a tv that with a cable connection see. I know that the whole point of going to a farmhouse is to get away from technology and such, but there really isn’t much to do when the sun goes down and the snakes and foxes come out to play. It just isn’t the right time for a nice hike in the woods. We thought about board games but then deep inside, I think everybody knew that we would just be trying too hard to keep ourselves entertained.
The tv in our house was connected to a dish antenna that provided eleven channels. Four of which were Malayalam, three were Tamil, two in Kannada, and of course…two Hindi channels. “Oh but wait…what about an English channel? Surely there must be one…” Well bollocks there was an English channel. So the night after Christmas eve ( I was too drunk to watch tv on Christmas eve) I had to watch “A Christmas Special” on Kerala’s favourite Malayalam channel: Asianet.( I don’t see anything Malayalamish about that name either). And let me tell you that “Christmas specials” at 11:30 pm are lame. It was one of the lamest things I had seen in a very long time (the last lame thing I remember watching was this Hindi movie where this guy had a hidden parachute in his suit which he could use to jump of buildings in the middle of a wedding because he anticipated such a thing as an assassin jumping out of the wedding cake. Oh and by the way, the parachute could not only land him safely on the ground but could also manage to carry both him and the assassin chap who was making a getaway on his motorcycle back up in the air, high enough to drop him and therefore kill him instead of just using a gun or something). It was so lame in fact that I began to enjoy it. Like watching the tele tubbies you know. Anyway, the guy who played Santa had an ugly pink Santa mask on his face and his sad excuse for a belly (made from half a pillow I think) just didn’t blend in well with the rest of his skinny body. That coupled with his ‘Alzheimer’s disease dance’ should have made me laugh. But it didn’t…what it did was make me stare in amazement at the horribleness of it all. The Santa wasn’t the only thing that made me want to keep watching. The little kids who danced around him with expressionless faces obviously did not have any previous experience in playing in an orchestra. This was quite evident from the fact that ‘they were holding their friggin bugles upside down!’ And the director didn’t seem to mind because there were a million shots of them running around holding their bugles and trumpets upside down followed by a kid whacking his violin with his violin bow quite violently. Then came the angels with their unprofessionally done make up. Their cheeks didn’t just look rosy, they looked like they had been punched in the cheek a few times till their blood clotted. The angels danced around thermocol clouds that looked like it had fungus growing all over it because some brilliant fellow went and added strokes of green paint thinking it would make it look more cloud like…Green… And the dance went on for around twenty minutes. And I watched every single minute of it while Pirates of the Caribbean was on at the same time. I chose to watch stupid little kids dancing around a Santa Clause on a diet over Keira Knightly. I even went on to go through the credits which by the way had the name of the carpenter on it. Not the children or the the guy who played Santa Clause or the disturbing looking little angels…but the carpenter. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that Jesus was a carpenter. But again taking into consideration the little retard children holding their trumpets upside down and the director not noticing anything wrong with it, im thinking that they weren’t really the deep sort who could think of something like that.